Today a friend asked me for advise. Regarding his life and how he should get closer to Allah. He wanted to but it is hard for him. Mashallah. I then remembered my own struggles.

Alhamdullilah, to where I am now. It wasn't easy. Not many know my struggles and people always assume that I had it easy. I am too, whose Imaan is weak. Really weak. But with Allah's guidance, Alhamdullilah. I told my friend to take baby steps. Because life is always a test and it's always a struggle. So long that our intentions is sincere and of course your efforts plays a part. It has to be consistent. And that consistency is the hardest part of all. 

My intentions was pure. I wanted to be married and donned the Hijab before I was married. Sadly, marriage doesn't happen for me because I choose not to. And I kept blaming myself for years over what happened, only to realised that Allah put me here because of reason(s). I may not know the reasons but I do know that Allah knows the best. With baby steps, I learnt to trust in Allah deeper and deeper. Alhamdullilah. 

I told myself, before I donned the Hijab I should strengthen my faith. My Solat. I wouldn't want to be perceived as a Malay girl with Hijab but not practicing our 5 Rukun Islam which one of it is Solat. It was really a struggle. I started first by praying Isyak prayers every night then slowly with Maghrib since I'm normally home after 7.30pm. It has to be consistent and Alhamdullilah it is. And I tried to Solat without closing the bedroom door and no, it's not about showing off or what. It's just that when I was a teenager, when my father used to tell us to Solat; I, ashamedly saying this, Astaghfirullah. I would say yes I will pray and close the bedroom door without really praying. I know, Astaghfirullah. This is one of the mistakes I've made and really am ashamed and still asking Allah to forgive me for that. May Allah forgives us all. Amin. Then slowly, I tried to Qadak my Zohor and Asar prayers for a day. 4 prayers each day when I'm back home from work. It took me 6 to 9 months to finally wake up for Fajr. Mashallah, that was the hardest waktu Solat ever. Ya Allah, He test us greatly. Mashallah.

So when it was consistent that I woke up for Fajr and Qadak my other 4 prayers, I began to test myself to sneak out during lunch time to pray for my Zohor while at work. Mashallah the struggles. Alhamdullilah Allah really ease everything for me. As I work in a male dominated environment and with my dirty and dusty working environment, Alhamdullilah I managed to perform my Zohor prayers. Alhamdullilah I can never ever be thankful for this ease that Allah blessed me with. I remembered that was when I was an RTO in Surbana, I started praying and things tend to brighten up slowly. Allah shows me the people who cares for me and He shows me true colors of the people around me. And with the ever most patience, I finally got the job that I always wanted and surely Allah test you with good and nothing is ever bad. It was all blessings from Allah.

Slowly but surely, when I finally found my Solat has strengthen enough, I decided to donned the Hijab. That was when the first few weeks of starting my part time studies. Mashallah. The struggles too. My Hijab and my Solat. I had to sneak during class to perform my Solat for Maghrib and yes, that struggles to opening my Hijab during ablution. Alhamdullilah Allah always make it easier for me. Especially when I'm in construction sites, Allahu'akbar. The environment and not forgetting the dirty water. Allah knows best and Alhamdullilah. I really thank Allah for making it easier for me to perform my Solat and I really appreciate the moments to when I think of Him and gave my thanks to Him and asking for forgiveness. Alhamdullilah, I am never so thankful for His blessings.

Then slowly my heart opened up and I make my decisions to perform my Umrah. Alhamdullilah. It was really a long way, that struggles that most think that I had it easy. It was never easy. And how people at times perceived me to be better than them. Wal'Allahi. I was never trying to be better and show it off. May Allah covers my aib. I was only trying to be better for me and towards Allah. That intentions that you must have in you and I began to not care what people says. And all I ever ask to Allah, is to forever covers my aib.

To my friend who asked me for advise with the struggles for he feels empty inside, I reminded him too, that I struggle the fate as him back then. Feeling emptiness inside is a dangerous thing and therefore comes religion to fill this void. With the remembrance of Allah, it is never enough. Practicing to be an Ummah of Rasulullah is the greatest achievement you'll ever achieve. It is, trust me. And how it is important to take baby steps and be consistent. Your effort matters and purify your intentions. It's easy to say then to get it done. And I know it's easy for me to advise and not knowing one's feeling and struggles. All I can say is, thank you Allah for sending someone down for me, that question me this and to ponder myself. Thank you letting me help people around me and help myself to be even better. Alhamdullilah. Thank you Allah for always reminding me. And thank you Allah for giving me a chance to say a little prayers for others and also to myself. Alhamdullilah.